HOOF IN MOUTH -I

 HOOF (FOOT) IN MOUTH - I

"Kasab is demanding mutton biryani from the jail authorities" quipped Ujjal Nikam the public prosecuter for the dreaded terrorist from Pakistan who had attacked the Nation. This comment galvanized the public opinion against the soft criminal justice system and culminated in dispatch of Kasab to the promised 72 hoors in no time.

"Aman ki wapasi ke liye aap hamari help karo, Modi ko hatane mei" laughed Mani Shankar Aiyar during a  TV interview in Pakistan. The infamous dialogue was a self goal for congress and has been milked by BJP in multiple elections. Your observations may be innocent but may lead to different interpretations by people. I have myself put my foot in mouth a number of times. Being a vet, I have managed to even put a hoof in mouth more than once!

"You know this year Kurseong Tea Estate sold their lot at Rs 50000/- per kg . It was picked by Buckingham palace for the Queen!" announced, Major Nagender,  Sena Medal, Officer Commanding, Animal Transport Company as I entered his office. It was June 1999 and I had joined the unit as a newly commissioned Vet Officer (VO) few months back. He was peering intently in his favourite green tea which was supplied free of cost by his classmate Rathore, from Mayo college who was now the Manager (Burra Sahib) of the famous tea estate. He was fondling the drink in the imported tea cup we had picked from Littoo the smuggler of Airport More. I could see the unending tea garden across the Balason river  and the Darjeeling hills beyond. "Sahab ke liye bhi chai lao" barked the Major as the Army phone on his desk rang.

He heard someone on the other side for few seconds before exploding in the phone -"So what? shouted he " The mules are as much fauji as you and I and they have equal right on this cantonment! Are they Pakistanis? I will be damned if I stop them. You can tell your CO that I don't give two hoots to what he thinks!" and he slammed the phone on its cradle. 

" Its the adjutant of neighboring battalion complaining about our mules in their playgrounds. Did you let the mules lose again"? He asked. I replied in the affirmative. " You have to think of some solution. This Col Shekhar is getting on my nerves".

It was I who had dug my heels to let mules loose daily for foraging on the lush green Darjeeling grass. Unfortunately, mules knew no man made boundaries. They would be serenely grazing in our grounds when all of a sudden, one of them would look up, raise his ears and suddenly start galloping. Rest of the group would in no time follow him leading to a spectacular stampede. No number of sentries could then stop the leader who would find a gap and shoot past like a bullet with rest following in a cloud of dust. On their way they would destroy any lawn or garden or kitchen garden to the chagrin of the neighboring battalion. This was fodder for Colonel Shekhar who as such had grudges against Nagender who although much junior, was an independent commander who liked to assert his authority. Thus this continuous bickering and complaining over mules.

I don't know what neurons of my brain were tickled by the famed Kurseong tea, the favoured brew of the British Royalty that I opined aloud " Sir, we are one of the the oldest Horsed unit of mighty Indian Army. We can do an Ashvamedha Yagya to solve this problem once for all". "What on Earth is that?" The Tiger was interested.

I took a sip and explained -" Sir, When Lord Ram returned to Ayodhya, he brought Ram Rajya to his domain. Then he wanted whole Bharatvarsh to enjoy justice and prosperity. So he embarked on this yagya. In it you take a gorgeous white stallion,  adorn it with precious jewels, do all the necessary puja and then let it lose beyond your domains. If any king stops the horse, he invites war. Otherwise he pays tribute." Hmmmm , The OC was in deep thought as I left to check a mule who was reported to be repeatedly sitting and looking at its flank repeatedly - a sign that could be because of something as simple as thirst or life threatening intestinal displacement.

Next day as I entered the Tigers office, I found the unit punditji squirming in his shoes in front of the great mans desk. He was pale and sweating heavily at his brow " Punditji kya problem hai? Aap jaante nahi Ashvamedha yagya ki karrvahi? I found the Major grilling the priest. The pundit looked like a  sacrificial goat as he managed to utter with folded hands - " Sahab  Chhotta muh badi baat. VO Saab ne jo bataya woh riti Treta yug mei theek tthi. Iss Kalyug mei hamari samajh se ye vaidh nahi hogi ye hamari vinnati hai". I felt like I had a hoof in my mouth. The OC took a sip of the Royal brew, rolled it on his tongue and after an eternity decided " Chalo theek hai. Hum kuchh aur upay sochenge". 

I heaved a sigh of  releif as I was saved from getting embroiled in a Battle Royale! "Aaj VO Saab ke liye woh nayi chai lao - Kurseong White Tea!" ordered the Boss as I gratefully sank in the cane sofa near his seat thinking about the novel drink I was fortunate to savour thanks to the historic and elitist Mayo college and its much acclaimed alumni!

To be continued.