CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN

 

CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN

BY WARVET

 

“God Makes Man, We Make Him Gentleman” boasted the billboard of Raj Tailors in Main Bazar, Palampur of my 1980s childhood. Nowhere is it truer than the Army. Your dress with accoutrements, medals and ribbons announces unequivocally where you stand in a group. Without the dress and its insignia, all would be equal. This leads to much anxiety in many self-obsessed senior officers who become used to their  exalted status and can’t survive without the special treatment. So they have devised ways and means to announce their superiority by way of wearing ‘starred’ caps when in civies and in some extreme case starred umbrellas on golf course! I am also reminded of an enterprising officer who put a star plate like one used on cars on a mule who was to ferry the General up the hill somewhere in Northern sector to massage his ego.

Few years back while getting 45 years Periodic Medical Exam (PME) done in MH, I was surprised when the medical specialist had a look at my ECG and shook his head. "Sir, I need a TMT to clear my doubts"

“What’s that” I had asked.

 "Have you seen the treadmill in the adjoining room? You will have to run with ECG cords attached to you and we will study your heart working under stress"!

Here I am stuck for next 2 hrs I thought.

So I went to the TMT room where the guy asked me "Sir aapki chhaati pe ‘hairs’ toh nahi hai?

On affirmation, he told me he will call the barber. To save time I rushed to barber shop where generally only sepoys went. I disrobed and got barber working on my chest when Subedar Major of the MH came wandering. He was in an expansive mood, joking with people in the corridor. He entered,  had a look at me and chipped "Kya baat hai! Body building ke liye taiyaar kar rahe ho isko"!

By the unexpected deafening silence SM was perplexed till the barber quipped - Colonel sahib hai.

The poor SM looked at the stars on the uniform hanging on a hook in the corner, mumbled "Jai Hind sir" and made a hasty retreat.

The barber broke ice by saying "Sahab ne apko jawan socha! Aapki body abi bhi bahut fit hai SIr! and restored my pride!

 

Although generally Officers are very careful of maintaining their uniforms in highest standards and take a lot of pride in it, there are certain exceptions. “SSB ki galti” such blokes are called by colleagues. Captain Akshat was one such guy who was the senior most Captain in Indian Army  (Trying to pass mandatory exam for promotion since past many years). He had come on posting to our neighbouring unit – An ASC Mechanised Transport Battalion. He was a lanky guy with a permanent limp and a day old stubble. I had never seen an officer in more faded uniform than Akshat sir. His ribbons used to be grimy, beret faded and shoes of some strange pattern which were always in need of ‘Cherry’ (Polish – Cherry Blossom). Never punctual, he seldom attended PT/Games and if any work was assigned to him he messed it so much that no task come his way again.

Now, Uniform is the first indicator of state of discipline in an Army unit and the Commanding Officers lay special emphasis to present their units to inspecting officers in best of attire. To the extent that some COs insist on new uniforms from the same cloth roll (Thaan) for atleast all officers as they are introduced to the visiting dignitaries. So it was that Col Banerjee, the CO while overseeing preparation of the Battalion for visit of Corps Commander, cautioned all officers to be in best uniform or No1 Uniform for the ‘Introduction Parade’.

At the appointed time on D Day when Banerjee arrived in front of his office where all officers were lined up, he found Akshat missing. He opened his mouth to ask but just then limped in Akshat sir in his trademark faded uniform with much abused accoutrements and headgear. By the time CO could interrogate, Corps Commanders car entered the drive way. As the General was led by CO to Officers, with the General shaking hands with each, they reached Capt Akshat. The General extended his hand and the lanyard popped out of Akshat’s pocket and fell in it. The General handed over the lose end to Akshat who with much fumbling and mumbling inserted the end into his right breast pocket. As CO introduced him by rank and name, the General frowned “But his name tab says “Sukhwinder Singh” he exclaimed! “Sir actually just before inspection the pin of my name tab broke. So I borrowed it from my Buddy” Akshat explained. “I hope you have only lost your Name Tab and not your Identity”! quipped the General as he moved ahead. Col Banerjee was mortified but stoically went through all the necessary drills.

As the General left the unit, the CO marched to Akshat sir and confronted him.

“Akshat! Didn’t I tell all to be in their No 1 Dress?

“Yes sir” Akshat had habit to shout back.

“So, are you in your No 1 Dress”?

“No sir”!

The CO was surprised “Then which dress are you wearing”?

“No 3, Sir”.

“Why the hell are you in No 3 and not No1? Goddammit it was THE Corps Commander”!!!

 “Because I don’t have No 1 or 2 sir”!

After that day the CO made it a point to send Akshat sir to some far away det on every inspection and saved his sanity and job.