LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION BY WARVET

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

BY WARVET

Flashback – Early 90’s. A sleepy mofussil town, deep in the hinterland, in the middle of nowhere. An isolated Regimental Centre, bored families and restless subalterns. Periodic Mess functions are the only ray of light for the drudgery of a life.

Enter our hero, Christie, a restless, reckless, lively guy full of energy and vigour. An absolute adventurer, and Casanova to boot. Shares a room with his coursemate, Bhagat, already there in the single officer’s accommodation fashioned out of servant quarters of the British officers of yore (It takes just a 500 Rs western commode for the MES to fit and voila! Any decrepit shack can be turned into Officers accommodation). Chrietie wasted no time in livening up the shack with his amazing collection of Playboy centrespreads adorning the walls with enthusiastic support by Bhagat.

This is when the Centre acquired a Video Camera – The massive shoulder mounted kind, we grew up seeing at marriages. It was considered to be too technical and expensive to be trusted with anybody but an officer and Christie and Bhagat were entrusted with same. Now during the Corps Day party it was Christie filming the party and Bhagat holding the Focus light over his head throughout the night filming the revellers.

Life went on as per the routine when one evening, as Christie emerged after bath, wrapped in towel, Bhagat announced that next party, he was not going to play second fiddle and would rather be handling the camera. “ I , like a joker hold the light while you, handling the camera get all the limelight. All girls are pleading with you to shoot them”! “But it’s a highly technical machine, which everyone can’t handle” retorted Christie! “ Technical my foot. You will teach me Now, I am no Johnie. I too am a bloody officer like you. I passed the same SSB”! Cried Bhagat!

“Ok then”  Said Christie. Hold it like this on your shoulder with your right hand. And here using these buttons with your left hand you can zoom on your subject. I am switching it on!

Come on focus on that girl in red – said Christie pointing to the playmate on the wall! Yeah now focus on her face! Get a close up. Now next, the one standing against the pole, Focus lower, and lower. Ok the next Miss bum bum. Focus at her assets! So it went on till the climax when Christie while moving away asked to focus on his back and flipped up his towel exposing his rear – “ End the movie with my bloody black ass and it’s a hit”!

The practice was over and Bhagat qualified for next party. One fine Sunday morning as both were dead asleep after a particularly hard Saturday evening binge, the doorbell rang. A bleary-eyed Bhagat found runner of the Adjutant with a message to handover the video cassette of the Corps Day party for viewing by the Commandant with his family at his home. He handed over the cassette and went back to sleep. After some time Christie was woken up by incessant ringing of the phone and as he put the earpiece to his ear was woken up by a torrent of abuse from the Adjutant on the other end. “What the bloody hell you two jokers have been shooting on the video camera? The old man is on fire and has asked me to haul your bloody black ass to his office within 5 minutes! Come over you devils! You shameless good for nothings!!!