HOODA'S WEIGHTLOSS MANTRA

 

HOODA'S  WEIGHTLOSS MANTRA

BY WARVET

WEIGHTLOSS I

“I can reduce my weight to acceptable level within a month” Declared Hooda. He was addressing a bunch of over 55 yrs re-employed officers. The group was worried about forthcoming Annual Medical Exam. The medical specialist, Dr Das was known to be a saddist, notorious for his focus on body weight. Many a senior officer had found to his dismay that Das was not amenable to any pressure. He would cast aside all medical reports and point to the commercial weighing machine in the corner of his chamber. Once on the machine, the digital red display gave the weight. Das occupied himself with whatever he was doing. Then you would see the notice on the machine – “Press the red button for print out”. This he wanted. He would copy the figure on the slip on to the medical report in front of you, initial the slip and staple it to the bunch. And you were done. Not even a General from the medical branch could save you.

“Look! At our age the bloody metabolism goes down. That’s the problem”. Chirped Ambre.

Bullshit! Thundered Hooda. I can bet you a crore Rs that I will lose 10 kg in a month.

How? All exclaimed.                                                        

Oh its nothing. I will run 12 km daily. Non stop. I’ll leave from the out gate of the camp at 5 in the morning, take a round of the town and enter through In Gate at 6.30 AM. Gate-to-Gate it is going to be for me tomorrow onwards and after 1 month I will fit in my Academy uniform! Declared Hooda. "The one who loses the least will foot the bill of grand party. I myself pledge that I will lose maximum weight".

Ambre - My Dear, look at you. You are 56 and weigh 90 Kg. It won’t be sustainable. I believe in GM diet. I can reduce 2 Kg in a week by dieting.

Hooda – Dieting is for sissies. Gate-to-Gate it has to be. 12 km non-stop. Anyone who wants to join? Come rain or thunder. Its going to be fun. All your body drenched in sweat. If it rains, its still better. Rain and sweat all mixed up!

I’ll tell my buddy to get the weighing scale now. You guys can note down. We will gather here same time exactly after 1 month and check.

Christie – Is your machine validated? I don’t trust it.

Nair – Best for our age is walk. Brisk walk!

Christie – Look guys! Neither walk nor run will reduce your weight. Once you get into a routine, your body gets accustomed to it and adaptation takes over.

Ambre – Then whats your mantra?

Christie – You go for a walk , then start jogging. Then walk. Then 100 mtr sprint. Keep surprising your body. That’s the only way.

Nair – Ok, now get on the machine one by one. BTW as you guys punish yourself I’ll be playing 18 holes of golf everyday, improve my handicap and beat you all.

Hooda – No one ever lost any weight playing golf!

Ambre – The way you eat Hooda, You have four flavours of ice cream in your freezer. Even God can’t help you.

Hooda – Fcuk God.

Ambre – Hain! God ko bhi!

Hooda – Forget everything. Tomorrow onwards its Gate-to-Gate. Anyone wants to join me is welcome. But don’t expect me to stop once I start. Keep some money in your pocket just in case you need to hire a rickshaw on way back.

There’s a knock and Hooda’s buddy reappears with a Swiggy hamper.

Ambre - WTF is this?

Hooda – I ordered some samosa and Gulabjamuns for all to mark this day. Not much, just 2 each for all of us.

All – WTF!!!

WEIGHTLOSS II

Next Morning - Where”s Christie ? Inquired I. It was 5 AM as we started.

Hooda – “ Yesterday while I ran Gate-to-Gate, You and Christie went for that walk of yours. The combination of walk, jog, sprints. What monstrocity! Today he is lying in bed. Says he has some screws in the knee he got when he broke his leg in football 20 yrs back. The last sprint did him in!

I – Oh No! So what’s your plan today? Let’s run.

Hooda – Are you sure? I don’t stop once I start.

I – Arrey we will run for 5Km and walk rest of the route. Don’t worry.

Hooda – Never done. We will walk today.

I – Why are you so adamant?

Hooda – That’s the way it should be.

I – Ok then let’s run.            

Hooda – Can you run 12 KM?

I – Sure. If you can run non stop, I want to see. I’m 10 years younger than you. And not overweight as you. Lets go.

So began my ordeal. I had thought Hooda was bluffing . He must be stopping after 5KM or so for a break. But there was no sign of his giving up. By sheer mental resolve I kept pace with the guy. We crossed the Naamghar that communal prayer place of followere of Srimant Shankar Deva, the great Bhakti proponent of Assam – unknown to rest of India, the  Dah Parbatiya excavation site of 6^th century Gupta period Ganga Jamuna temple, the sculpture maker's house with so many unsold mahapurush busts watching us solemnly. The farmers were goading their oxen in the mud of paddy fields. Housewives sweeping the road outside the house with broom in one hand, and their worse halves holding the toothbrush in the mouth with all the foam. Hooda’s friends, the two strays – Kalu and Whitey – his so called children jumped up from their nap on the road and followed us to s usus off their territory. I stopped thinking. And concentrated on my breathing. Blocked all thoughts of pain shooting through my legs.

I told Hooda about lactic acid building up in my thigh and calf muscles. “What Lactododosis? It’s all bull shit”- Barked Hooda. “Don’t sound like Christie. The other day he had temerity to suggest he is a great Tennis player. I asked him how much his Racquet cost. 4500/- Proudly he says. I suggested he saves the racquet. Never dare to play with me. Better players have broken costlier racquets in sheer frustration when they played me”!

I had no energy left to contest anything and was wondering if it was going to be complete Gate-to-Gate after all. We were still 4 KM away. Hooda – “If we take left turn, I can take you on a circuit that will add 5 KM to our route. Are you game”? I didn’t care to reply. Just gave him a dirty look and shook my head. He tried once more. I didn’t even look at him. Kept concentrating on my feet and Continued chanting “Jai Shri Ram”, One word with each step followed by a blank step. Right now, I was hating Hooda more than the Angry not young woman of Kolkata who saw red with JSR.

We reached the stretch of road surrounded by paddy fields. It is the greenest patch on Earth. We call it the paradise road. I took in a deep breath. “Ha ! abundance of pure Oxygen”! I exclaimed. Hooda – “The air here is too rich in Oxygen. It will burn your lungs you know. Tomorrow I will get a clip from office to block one of your nostrils”! If looks could have killed, Hooda would have dropped dead that instant. Towards the end Hooda took off. By the time he finished, I was 500 mtr behind. The oldie must be an athlete in his younger days thought I.

Anyway, we reached the In Gate. And I did feel as if I had conquered Everest. In the evening when I told Hooda I was going for Horse riding the next day, he exploded – “No one who went Gate-to-Gate with me came the next day. You are all liars”!

I – “Don’t worry. You have enough days. I promise we will run day after. I HAVE to go to Riding School to see progress there”.

Hooda – “Don’t worry about me. I have all sorted out. I have asked for two blankets for sleeping. Also, on last evening before D day, I have plans to start running at midnight which will continue till 6 in the morning. 5 Kg gone in a single day”!

I – Hmm.

We see Christie coming towards us. Slightly limping.

Christie – “My Knee.  I should have seen it coming. I am no longer young”!

Hooda – “Don’t worry. You can still make it” If You listen to me”!

Christie – “I think i’ve already lost the bet. Nothing can be done now”.

Hooda –  “Look, you give me a free hand. I’ll remove your AC now. Cover the hole in wall with a plank. Remove your fan, your mattress – must sleep on hard bed. Remove your WC – Indian toilet it will be now. In your office I’ll cut off 2 inches from one leg of your chair. You have to be uncomfortable if you want to lose your weight”!

Christie – “I can no longer use Indian toilets. Its like yoga”!

Hooda – “ Oh then you use it in Sukh aasan! Yes its verycomfortable that way”!“As I was saying you should leave your comfort. One day I will put on a torn vest and a discarded pajama and join the labourers carrying bricks in construction site. See how I will not lose weight”!

Christie – I used to exercise for 35 minutes in Gym and was fit like fiddle. This long walk or run is not made for me.

 I – Why can’t we start a little late? Why unnecessarily we wake up at 4.30 AM and compromise on sleep?

Hooda –“My dear you are in Northeast India. Here, there is a time lag of one and a half hour with rest of India. I will stick to my time table. You are free to follow yours”.

I and Christie (Happily) – “Fine. Tomorrow onwards, we all go our own way and follow our routine and regime and meet after 15 days”!

Hooda – “ I have no problem. Good luck to you both”!

 

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WEIGHTLOSS III

Early morning while returning from my run I took a detour through “Pipli Gaon” the loving name given to oldest, most creepy collection of ancient hut/cottages in thickest of rainforest and low lands that pass for one of the Single Officer accomodation. The footpaths here are moss covered needing utmost care to traverse, saving your limbs from major fracture if you slip. You also have to watchout for avoiding stepping on huge snails.

Here, I found Anto pacing in front of his humble dwelling gloomily lost in his thought. “What Happened? Why so glum”? Asked I. Anto – “Sir, there’s a cobra which was seen getting into this crack besides the AC, 3 days back. Its still inside for all I know in the wooden panelling”. I ( to cheer him up) – Arrey look at the brighter side – You are living in perfect harmony with nature. All this greenery (looking around the jurrasic park like setting) and now the serpent for company. Like NaMo with Bear Grylls in Man vs Wild”! Anto – “You find it funny and I get nightmares. I may step on the cobra going to the loo at night in dark! I have lost 2 kg weight in last 2 days worrying!

I made a mental note to report the idea to Hooda who can add it to his mind boggling interminable list of probable weight loss techniques! The other day he told me as a final onslaught on his weight, he has made a contract with Diamond bakery near our camp. “Now I will get rid of the – “Mamira” he had announced”. I - Whats that? Hooda – “Oh You won’t know. The Mughals used to hang their enemies upside down on a boiling kadhai of oil. The guy was steamed so that all Mamira came out of body and dropped into the oil beneath. This oil was used to prepare delicacies. Diamond bakery has a big wood fried oven fit for purpose”.  Hooda was losing his mind due to dehydration I thought.

However, Mughals did take sadistic pleasure in torture. Most common was crushing the culprits under elephant. Trained elephants would step on the head of prostrate prisoner on ground! One can imagine the sound and sight of the breaking skull. Another favourite punishment was cutting 1 cm strips of skin of the live prisoner. When he walked, he tripped over own skin straps! It was common to impale PoW’s on sharpened wooden stakes fixed on ground. Successive emperors invented more and more horrible ways of torture. Shah Jehan had top of skull cut and and put a redhot iron ball on the brain! And all such tamasha was witnessed by people with amusement! Once Shah Jehan reached his favourite daughters bedroom when he knew there was a paramour inside. The lover was told to hide in the bath tub by the princess. The emperor sat sipping his drink while as per his orders, the covered tub’s water heating system was switched on to boil the guy alive. So that’s "Mamira” for you.

After I finished lunch, the waiter came with a banana but by passed me “ Oh that’s his personal fruit” informed Waiter pointing towards Ambre seated opposite. Ambre – “I’m on GM diet. Today is my fruit day. Yesterday I was on boiled veggies”. I – “Oh Yes I remember now. BTW any luck”? Ambre – “Yeah’ lost couple of Kg’s”. I – “Hooda says, you are trying desperately to lose weight because you don’t want to splurge on the party, the miser you are”. Ambre “What are you saying I purchased 1200 Rs worth of fruit and veggies this week”! I – “Arrey you don’t get me. He means the party bill”.

And Christie, you are not seen. Quit already? Christie “After my knee gave up, I have taken to cycling. Yesterday evening we cycled 20 km to and from Brahmaputra. In moonlight you should have seen the river, shining like a mammoth snake slithering across the Assam plains”! I – Hmm it must be a sight! I also thought of poor Anto and his room partner. Christie “On way back, at Paradise road there were millions of jugnus in the paddy fields. It was dream like”! I was drooling, imagining the wonderful sight.

I – Nair, what about you? How’s the Golf and how is the Josh? Nair (sighs) – Golf is good but no weight loss. I – Do one thing. Join horse riding with me. Nair (Brightens up) – “That’s a good idea. I heard horse riding is a good exercise”. I – “Of course. It is”. Nair – “OK. For next 15 days, golf over. Now, it will be riding. Take me with you tomorrow”! Christie “Give Nair the drought horse. That Halflinger. Only that elephant of a horse can bear him”!. Before Nair responded, I told him Halflinger will be a safer choice for someone like him who was out of touch from riding. Christie –“And don’t give him a saddle. Blanket riding is more rigorous”. Nair – “Keep these Hooda type ideas with you. I don’t subscribe to his crazy ideas of using discomfort for weight loss”! Christie – “ I know, you would strap a sofa to horse back if it were feasible. Thank God Indian Army no longer employs elephants, that is 4 legged types”.

WEIGHTLOSS IV END GAME

 

So by 4th week all participants were settled in their respective routines. Hooda interminable rounds of Gate-to-Gate, Ambre GM Diet plus Cycling, Nair had quit golf and was riding “Bholu” the Halflinger whereas Christie who had given up and reconciled to hosting the party was sleeping to glory. Still rest three were seriously pursuing the goal to shed maximum weight. I was told that Ambre who was to move on last lag posting to his hometown and wife was told by his wife not to show his face in the state she had found him on her last visit. That was what drove him.

I found Nair looking at the horses grazing in the field thoughtfully ‘Are you sure I’ll lose weight by riding this stubborn mule of yours’ He pointed to Bholu who was rolling in a patch of sand. I - “ Sure as hell. However I have another sure shot way of losing weight. That’s used by Jockeys. You know they have to be very light. Have you seen any”? Nair –“ Yeah I know. How do they do it”? I – “Look, before competition if a jockey finds he has gained weight, he grabs a blanket goes to the mound, rather hill of horse manure in vicinity of stables and digs himself in it , covered up with all the dung and in the afternoon when this manure is capable of generating a lot of heat of its own the guy sweats like hell and voilla! He is as light as a mermaid by evening”! Nair looked as if he would puke. So I diverted his attention with some dirty horse joke of mine and made it a point not to mention this weightloss idea on the dining table to others.

In the evening, I walked to Hooda’s room where I found Christie with him. There were two blanket BK on the floor in a corner. “So Hooda has shunned his bed” I thought and asked - “Hey! I heard you guys were partying yesterday night”! Hooda – “Yes, AB came”. AB was his old friend who loved food and drinks and whenever he was in town, Hooda would throw one of his famous parties which were no less than gastronomical orgies with 10 types of snacks, 4 main courses and 4 desserts. I – “But then all your efforts will come to a nought”. Ambre has lost 5 Kg already! Hooda – “ I have never lost a bet. I’ve lost 2 kg too. Good you told me my target. Day after is the day of reckoning, I will strike out more than 3 kg in two days”! I – “Christie whats keeping you busy”? Christie – “My masseuse. I found I could use one with all the pain I inflicted on my body”! I, Hooda – Hmm.

That day,370  was abrogated by the government and as we were having lunch, Amit Shah was killing the opposition in parliament , live. I wondered if Shah was not the ultimate “Bahubali” of India? “ What use are six packs and biceps? This roly poly football of a man looks most dashing to me today” I opined as Shah was thundering in the lower house –“ Kya aap PoK ko J&K ka hissa nahi manate? Hum uske liye jaan de denge”!

Finally on D Day, all participants were lined up and I was the independent witness. Many neighbours had appeared miraculously to see the fight. “The word travels fast here” thought I. Christie came first. The Guy is incredible. He had put on 300 grams! Then came Nair, our newfound cowboy. He had lost 3 kg. The hopeful and favourite Ambre trudged somewhat limping to the scale. Looked at us and stepped up. He had lost 5.1 kg and was hailed with applause. Now was the turn of Hooda, considered a loser by most and underdog by few. The room came down with the kind of uproar that followed and Hooda was swept into the arms of the gathering and thrown roof wards. He had done it! Hooda had lost 5.3 kg. The man had stuck to his word! What close finish! What display of human resolve and grit!

In the evening, I was invited to the Grand party in the only 4 Star hotel of city. Wine flowed like water. Why are you so grumpy? I asked Nair. “ With a month of golf and Riding, I could lose only 3 kg!” He said “ And why you look glum? I told him I was upset because Bholu had lost 30 kg and now I had to treat him for debility! How did you do it Hooda? Asked Ambre. “I thought I had won the bet”! Hooda –“Thakur told me you had lost 5 Kg. So last night I ran 20 Km starting at 4 AM. You know Sentries won’t let me out of gate saying its dangerous – Tezpur isn’t bereft of all the terrorists yet. I had to fight my way out. I came back to room checked and found I had lost only 4 Kg. So I put on a tracksuit and went Gate-to-Gate again – and again. I only gave up when I had lost 5.3kg. That’s my story”

Nair – “Where were you Christie in evening? I came to your room and your chap told me Sahab PT Dress mein gaye”. So now after losing all this money – points towards all the food and drinks on table- you are afterall sweating it out Uh”?

Christie “ Bullshit, I had an appointment with my masseuse. She is a great girl! Very professional. All my pains are gone and I feel as if I am floating on clouds” Winks. To a collective sigh and then a barrage of unpublishable.       

THE END